i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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