no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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