the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
