You can't motorboat a personality
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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