don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
