does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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