Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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