She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
