i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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