Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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