Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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