They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
