i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
