I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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