Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
