Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
