K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
