3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
