Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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