How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
