I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
