cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
