I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
