Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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