So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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