All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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