allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize