it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So much Jack, so little girl.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
