He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
