We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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