I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
