my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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