I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
