I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
