today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
