this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
