I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize