The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
