I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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