I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
