god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
