if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
