a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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