i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
