I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
