Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
