I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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