Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
