My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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