I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize