I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
