i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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