You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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