his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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