The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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