Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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