apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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